Tumbleweed's Usurper

by Ben Fortenberry

This is what’s happening right now:

Rain clouds gather in the skies over El Paso.

A plastic grocery bag, the tumbleweed’s usurper, drifts down a deserted alleyway carried along by an imperceptible breeze.

An irritated calico cat coughs up a fur ball.

And..

Uriah sits crunching cereal, barely awake.

He chews mechanically, staring at the back of the cereal box. Silly crossword puzzles and useless nutrition facts occupy his limited attention until his wife Fanny sits down across from him. Uriah mumbles something that vaguely resembles a greeting. Fanny mumbles back in the language only they know.

After five minutes of crunching and slurping, actual, intelligible conversation ensues:

“Is this new cereal any good?”

“Hurm.”

“Awesome O’s, eh?”

“Hurm.”

Fanny gets up from the table to refill her coffee and curses when she bumps her knee on the table leg. Uriah crunches and crunches, staring hard at nothing, oblivious. As she’s standing in front of the coffee pot, Fanny looks back at Uriah. He’s still just chewing.

“I’m pregnant.”

This is what will happen in one second:

Trevor, an eight-year-old at a local funfair, will intentionally let a balloon slip from his hand because he wants to give a present to St. Michael.

Jasper, a struggling, egomaniacal artist, will stand in his back yard gazing at a giant, blank canvas, contemplating the universe.

Oscar, a park ranger and exhibitionist, will strip off his uniform so he can be more in tune with nature and the animals.

And…

Uriah will inhale so sharply that an Awesome O will get lodged directly in his windpipe.

Instead of making a choking or gagging sound, Uriah will emit a high pitched squeal. This will be the sound of Uriah trying to breathe through the little hole in the O. His face will turn a cheery shade of fuschia, the veins in his forehead will make their presence known and he’ll grip the sides of the table so hard, he’ll get a splinter.

Fanny will do what anyone in her situation would. She’ll ask, “Are you okay?”

Uriah’s eyes will bulge so huge, he’ll look like an iguana. His most hated pet peeve in the entire universe is to be asked ‘Are you okay?’ while he’s choking. In his head, he’ll curse Fanny with the foulest language ever thought towards a person. It’s a good thing the last thing she’ll ever hear from him is the squeal.

This is what will happen as a result:

The calico cat will feel much better.

Trevor’s mom will hit him for being so wasteful.

A dove will relieve itself on Jasper’s canvas.

Tourists will photograph Oscar running through the forest and make a fortune.

It will rain in El Paso.

And..

Uriah Jr. will grow up hearing stories of how heroic and noble his father was. He’ll grow up to be a best-selling author of adventures stories, all starring his dad.

Also...

In thirty years Uriah Jr. will learn that the true cause of his father’s death was not the result of a mountain climbing, fly fishing or even an automobile accident, but a wholegrain breakfast treat containing 2% potassium and 7% sodium with a little hole in the middle. He’ll eat oatmeal from then on.

The plastic grocery bag will be banned by conservationists and the tumbleweed will make a triumphant comeback. Alleyways will be much relieved.